I sometimes think I am oversensitive to the whole "dressing provocatively" argument where rape is concerned.
I'm not sure the word "rape" is right, so lets' stick with sexual assault, it was quantifiably that; but the night I was sexually assaulted I was wearing jeans, doc martens and a baggy teeshirt.
Yes i'd been drinking.
Yes I was in a night club.
But I've been out numerous times since, wearing far more revealing clothing and i've not been attacked, upset or had anything more untoward than a case of mistaken gender happen to me.*
Nothing ever came of it, although I did eventually go to report it to the police after urging from friends. I had so many bruises and grazes on my chest and breasts I could nearly wear a teeshirt for days let along consider putting a bra on. My self confidence was ruined and the first time I finally went out again after the incident I clung to my new friends the entire night and made them promise not to leave me for a moment.
Although we never candidly discussed it, they saw the bruises, they knew I went to the police. They knew why I was scared. They were great.
A special commendation should also go here to James who spoke to me that night whilst I lay on my own bedroom floor in a strange city, terrified and sobbing even with two locked gates and a locked door between me and him. I barely knew him, and yet he sat up till four talking to me, repeating over and over that it wasn't my fault and no-one ever has the right to make me feel that way.
And I don't think it was. This is something else I was told over and over; being drunk isn't the same thing as giving your consent to blow someone in a night club.
Let me repeat that for you.
Drunkeness =/= consent.
If you fancy him/her that much, then do them the courtesy of waiting till they're more sober.
Again, dressing "provocatively" doesn't equal consent either. A moot point because as I say I was in jeans, boots and a baggy top; but i've been out since in much more revealing clothes and had no trouble.
Short dresses don't make men rape women.
I walked back from the station in the early hours in a short dress, and the only man to approach me came and asked if I was ok. That, if anything, has restored some of my faith in humanity.
Oh and a note to the police, when helping someone, please don't victim blame.
If you and your victim agree there's nothing that can usefully be done, why not close the case without writing a 3 page statement for your victim to sign that says "I was a drunk whore and it was my own stupid fault".
Just a thought.
*shortly after christmas I was coaxed out with my newly shaved head. It was dark, i was wearing black jeans, DMs and a blazer. Easy mistake to make from behind.
2 comments:
I agree with you 100% here. There is no such thing as consent in rape/sexual assault. Nothing you did or said would have made a difference, and it is not your fault.
The abuser, the person who rapes, assaults or otherwise degrades another does it by their own choice. By their own sick sense of the world and nothing, I reapeat NOTHING justifies that. No amount of alcohol, no amount or lack thereof of clothing.
I have counselled many people after sexual assaults and other forms of abuse. They nearly always feel a sense of guilt that is not theirs to carry. They have done nothing wrong and yet somehow end up feeling forever guilty. I hope you are able to let go of any sense of guilt here - and I think this post is a step along the way to that.
Only one person was ever guilty here - The person who attacks another.
Be gentle with yourself.
It's something I'm really sensitive about too. When I was attacked I was wearing one of those gothshop tops with bitch and fuck and stuff written all over it, it wasn't remotely revealing but I am completely convinced that if I'd have gone to the police like that then I would get the blame.
The drinking thing too...
It's a funny thing but with sexual assauly everyone seems to think out of their way to blame the vicitm, maybe that makes them feel safer or something like it will never happen to them, I dunno...
xxx
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