I am not Linda

I post this with the caveat that it's 20 past 4 in the morning and I haven't slept yet.

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Sometimes I think about becoming someone different. I'll shave my head, change my name, move city, make new friends. Sometimes I want to. I've done some of those things now, I left my makeup in Cardiff over Christmas and most of my clothes, got drunk and shaved my head with a cheap disposable razor. I was half a pint away from changing my name by deed poll I swear. (I didn't). Sometimes I toy with it, when someone I don't want to talk to asks me my name I tell them i'm called Linda, I tell them i'm a visitor to the city, that I live in London and i'm a musician. That's the sort of thing I imagine Linda would do.

Leaving my makeup off and shaving my head made me realise though, that actually I like being Misha. It's a big part of me, my identity, as much as being too close to 6ft and 13st for a girl and liking indie pop and cats. A friend asked me if I was wearing contacts instead of glasses, seeing me for the first time without my usual panda eyed makeup. It made me giggle, but it also made me realise that in some ways that I am more "me" with my makeup, my hairdye my stupid clothes.

I'm not fussed, i'll go out in anything makeup or no, unshowered or perfectly coiffuered. That's cool, that's me, that's the way I am. But my Identity. That's something else, it's something that's lurked deep down in me from when I was small. I'm a dresses and boots girl. I was always the kid on the climbing frame in a flowery party dress. I enjoy jeans and a vest as much as the next girl but I like dresses too. They aren't always practical, fuck, i'm a trainee techie I know that. But i'm starting to accept i'm like that, i'm more dress up than down. I feel at my best in proper shoes and a dress rather than jeans and trainers. I like blouses and shirts as day wear and I go out in a blazer and a pair of doc martens.

It's nice to realise who I am, and at the moment i'm ripped layers, badly dyed hair, perfume and a dress for a walk to tescos, holes in the crotch of my tights. I a floppy badly cut hair, chipped nail varnish and dancing to shit music in the kitchen. I am podcasts on my ipod not music, trains, busses, spending most of my money on tickets to see comedy isntead of on food, I am all the wrong desicions and being on time to things.

I sometimes toy with the idea of pretending to be someone else, then I pretend to be Linda. Linda (I imagine) lives in London. She plays bass, frequents a local coffee shop and a record store, she wears proper headphones, has a boyfriend and a cat and a shoebox of a flat. She is tall, slim and kick ass. She is who I would be if I could but i'm not. I think if anything i'm just learning to channel my inner Linda, accepting that it's not who I am, but who I aspire to be a little bit like.

I don't even know if this makes sense.

It's early, or late, or something. I've just tided my room and i'm full of restless energy. I only wish it would make my hair grow.

(If anyones wondering why Linda? I used to know someone whose username was Mr Linda, which I always thought was really fucking awesome. Hence my love affair with the name)